Fellow Iron-mongers,
You may or may not be familiar with Roger Welsch as TV commentator on
CBS's "Sunday Morning" and his "Notes from Nebraska". (He's the guy in
bib overalls...not the guy in the bow tie.) He's also a writer,
folklorist, teacher, tree farmer, and a "full blown, industrial grade,
unregenerate tractor nut." His work appears regularly in Esquire,
Natural History, Successful Farming, and Nebraska Farming. He also is a
Nebraska celebrity of sorts, and often appears as the "entertainment" at
special events. Tonight, I saw him in the town of St. Edward as it
celebrated its 125th birthday. I especially recommend his book "It's Not
the End of the Earth, but You Can See It From There." I recently
purchased his latest book entitled: "OLD TRACTORS and the Men Who Love
Them (subtitle: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family
Running)."
Why do I bring this up on the porch? In his TRACTORS book, is a reprint
of his Successful Farming article (Feb. 1993) entitled:
Roger's Rules For Collecting Old Iron (and Living with Your Spouse)
While he wrote it thinking of old tractors, I'm sure you will appreciate
some similarities to those collecting our particular brand of iron. In
MOST cases simply insert the tool obsession of your choice for each
mention of tractors, and you will see the benefit of some of his "tips".
And now, without further ado here are Roger's Rules For Collecting Old
Iron:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
There's more to collecting and restoring old tractors than nuts and
bolts. A lot more. In fact, nuts and bolts are the least of it. Ask our
marriage counselor. Don't get me wrong: Lovely Linda is a wonderful wife
and friend and she has endured more than any one woman should have to
put up with. I'm the first to admit that life with me isn't easy. I
admit that, though I don't always believe it.
Things got tense when I began collecting Allis Chalmers WC tractors. I
had one WC for almost 20 years before it occurred to me that it might be
nice to have two. And once I had two, I thought it would really be handy
to have a couple of junk WCs around for parts, but along with the parts
tractors I got a couple of "runners". So then there were six. And I got
a good deal on one that had been sitting in a shed for nearly
twenty-five years, and I think I have another couple lined up not far
from here, if I can just work out the details. It has taken the better
part of two years but just last week Lovely Linda finally sighed, "I
give up. I've lost track. I have absolutely no idea how many tractors
you have." It was a moment of triumph- but it was not without, as they
say, its downside.
Over the past couple years, I have collected advice along with my WCs,
and I think it is only neighborly that I pass along to you what I have
learned. If you're married and are thinking about getting into the old
iron business, forget trivial things like socket wrenches and bearing
pullers and lay the groundwork for your new hobby by studying the
following rules...THE WELSCH RULES OF TRACTOR COLLECTING!
RULE #1
Collect only one model and make of tractor- nothing but John Deere Bs or
Allis Chalmer Gs, for example. When all your tractors are the same color
and shape, it's harder, if not impossible, for anyone (if you catch my
drift) to figure out how many tractors you actually have.
RULE #2
Similarly, never line up your tractors, ever. Nothing distresses a
difficult spouse more than seeing twelve old tractors lined up, looking
for all the world like a burning pile of hundred dollar bills. Scatter
the tractors around- a couple behind the shed, one or two in the shed,
another beside the garage- so that it is not possible for anyone, if you
know who I mean, to see more than two or three from any one perspective.
Your hobby will be less "irritating" that way, if you know what I mean.
RULE #3
For much the same reason, don't number your tractors #1, #2, #3. Give
them names. You'd be surprised how much less trouble you will have, if
you talk about "Sweet Wheels" or "Sweet Allis" rather than "Allis
Chalmers WC #14".
RULE #4
Somewhere fairly early in your collecting, buy a tractor you don't want.
Sell it again as quickly as you can; don't worry about making money on
the transaction. The main thing is to get the tractor and get rid of it.
Then, for years, you can say, "Yes Angel-face, I do have six John Deere
Bs, and they are in the shed while our car is out in the weather, but
that doesn't mean that I will ALWAYS have six John Deere Bs. Remember
the one I got rid of a few years ago? I'm thinkg of selling another one
any day now so we can put the car in the garage."
If you are lucky enough to have a friend who collects tractors, make an
arrangement for him to drop off a tractor now and again. That way you
can say- if anyone asks- that you bought it. Then have it hauled off
again, and say you sold it. With this system you can re-establish your
reputation for moderation every couple years or so.
RULE #5
Pay for tractors with cashier's check, postal money order, or cash,
which leave far less evidence than checks drawn on the family account.
Once you have gotten possession of a tractor and paid for it, EAT THE
STUBS, CARBON COPIES, OR RECEIPTS IMMEDIATELY. Such things have a way of
becoming an embarrassment later, take it from me.
Some collectors like to point out to skeptical marriage partners that
what with interest rates so low these days, buying old tractors is
actually an ivenstment, a way of being sure the spouse will be "taken
care of and comfortable should something...terrible happen." Doesn't
work with Lovely Linda. She thinks Allis Chalmers WCs _are_ the
"something terrible".
RULE #6
Now and then buy a wreck "for parts", even if you don't need the parts,
even if there are no salvageable parts. In fact you might want to
consider hauling home a wreck or two whenever you haul home a good
machine- if possible on the same truck or trailer. This is called
"liability averaging". If your spouse says something about it being
strange that you have money for yet another tractor but not enough for a
new refrigerator, point indignantly to the tractors on the trailer- the
beautiful one on steel and in running condition for which you paid $1600
and the two rusted hulks you got for $50 each- and you huff (or whine,
depending upon what has worked in the past), "Snookums, I got those for
a little more than $500 each and the one in the back is easily worth
$2000 just as it stands, a tidy profit of $400, more than four times
what I paid for the other two." See? Doesn't that make you sound like an
investment wizard?
Some collectors find it effective to add something like, "It's pretty
hard to find a good refrigerator for $500!" but it has been my
experience that a smart-aleck attitude can fairly directly lead to the
purchase of a $500 refrigerator.
RULE #7
When things get critical in the household, you might consider dragging
home a tractor without a transmission or rear wheels. If there is a
complaint, you say something like, "Tractor, what tractor? That's not a
tractor! That's only a front end. Not even close to a tractor."
Then a couple of weeks later bring home a rear end, minus the radiator,
engine and front wheels. "What tractor?" you say. "That's no tractor!
That's only a rear end. Not even close to a tractor." Don't try this,
however, more than once every couple of years.
RULE #8
Have an implement dealer or friend call you now and then when you're not
at home and tell your spouse, "Rog told me to keep an eye on the Allis
WC going at the auction up at Centerville Saturday, but it sold for
$1200 and I know there's no way a financially cautious and responsible
guy like Rog would pay THAT much so I didn't even make a bid for him."
Not only will this make you look real good, the next time you do buy a
tractor, say something like, "Lovie-bear, this beauty only cost me #300,
which means we're $900 ahead of where we'd have been if I'd gotten the
one at Centerville. If I keep saving money like this, we'll be able to
go on a Caribbean cruise next winter." If you say it fast enough, it
might work.
RULE #9
If your mate insults your tractor work by referring to it as
"rustoration" or "tinkering", laugh a light-hearted laugh that makes it
quite clear that tractors are not to you what shoes are to Imelda
Marcos.
RULE #10
In the event that your situation deteriorates to the point where your
mate asks, "Who do you love more, me or your blasted tractors?" whatever
you do, don't ask for time to think it over.
Notes:
The above suggestions are not dishonest or deceptive, exactly. They are
ways to make life easier for your spouse. In fact, now that I think
about it, these little acts of diplomacy are actually a kindness, a way
to smooth the road for someone you love. Following Roger's Rules is a
way of being a better person. People who follow Roger's Rules are GOOD
people. In fact, I feel so good about myself, I think I'll go out and
buy myself another tractor! It'll be a good investment. I'll have it
hauled in at night. That way I won't bother Linda.
END OF ARTICLE
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I believe the suggestion that Tom Price had for getting around the
Christmas wait for the IT saws by swapping orders with another Galoot is
in the spirit of these rules. (The spouse couldn't reasonably object to
using someone ELSE's saw before Christmas.)
I'd enjoy hearing other Galoot corollaries to Roger's rules and/or
strategies that you have found effective in soothing ruffled spouse's
feathers in the pursuit of your obsession. Personally, I like RULE #8
very much. Hmmmmmm.
Darren C. Addy
Genoa, Nebraska
|